I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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