the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize