atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
