i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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