The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
