I seem to have left my pride at pride
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
