4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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