I'm really into asian looking animals
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
