Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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