we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize