At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
