Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
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