I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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