You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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