Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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