he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize