Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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