I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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