why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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