also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
