It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
