I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
