Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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