i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
