I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
