He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
