Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
