My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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