Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
