when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
