Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
