Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
