Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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