I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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