There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
