We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
