The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
