DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
