Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
