i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize