did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
