I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
