My first STD was from a foam party
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
