allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was like eating out sand paper
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
