Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
