think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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