What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
