Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
