Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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