i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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