I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
