I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
