I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
