i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
