I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
