Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
