oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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