Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have tasted many bathrooms
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
