apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
