HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
