cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
