Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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