cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
