3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The ass gains better be worth it
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