I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
