I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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