You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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